Thank you! Two of the most important words to show your gratitude… but to me they do not fully show the depth of my thanks and gratitude to the people who recently have gone over and above to support me through a very, very severe bout of depression.One of the worst I have had for a long time..
Yes, the black dog visited again and this time he brought along the anxiety attacks, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of despair, the feeling of not been lovable, the feeling of not deserving of anything. The feeling of not been worthy. The feeling of…. well, I won’t write about that as I don’t want to upset my children.
To some people who do not know me well, I do not usually show outwardly how I am feeling inside. They may throw doubt around..” Julie is always smiling” “What on earth has she got to be depressed about” “Yeah right another excuse to stay in bed” blah blah blah.
But to those that truly know me and love me, can see the pain etched in my eyes, can see the spark distinguish and know that I am not “me”.
The people that love me know that this is part of me. That these moments are becoming less and less with the help of medication and know that I will get my spark back. It is a hormonal imbalance and they know that no matter what I say in a depressive state I love them. I care about them. I need them.
The last two weeks I have been off work and dealing daily with my mental health. This has included walking in a park and feeding the ducks. Spending quality time on myself, re-discovering me, listening to music, reading, doing things I love and at my own pace to find me again. To find the light at the end of the tunnel. To no longer walk in treacle. To once again be “free” of the black dog.
It has been quite a long time since the last visit. I do not know when the dog will be visiting but boy when he is here the episodes are getting harder and harder to deal with. You would have thought by now I could deal with them and click my fingers and I am back to “normal” but I am afraid it is not that easy. If it was.. surely there would be no need for therapy or drugs.
If I knew the trigger then I would know how to avoid it. Believe me I do not want to constantly go through life with this hanging over me.
Sometimes the episodes can be short term and others longer.
For this episode I have worked so hard on myself that I did not stay in bed all day. I did not cry all the time. I did not focus on the negatives. Maybe my CBT is coming back to help me.
I have found it difficult to converse with people outside of my support circle. I have struggled with walking and having panic attacks. But, with the support and coaching from some earth angels I am now at the stage where I think I will be OK to return to work.
This may not be the right step and I know a few people do not think I am ready for the onslaught of work again but I think I do need to try it. I might crumble as soon as I step through the door, but at least I will have tried.
This post wasn’t supposed to be all about me but to thank my support team. I really cannot thank them enough for their messages, their calls, their love and their support. As I said before thank you does not fully cover it. I wish I could show you how much this has meant to me.. but my recovery will have to be payment in full lol.
I want to say a HUGE thank you to the best husband ever. He has treated me to little presents, showered me with hugs and love and has always had my back. No matter how bad I get this guy is just amazing. I do not know how he puts up with some of the crap I throw at him but he sticks with me and we are so much stronger as a couple. Thank you Mark. I love you more than words can ever possibly say. I really want to be the Julie that you fell in love with all those many long years ago before the black dog ever appeared and I AM getting there. I can see glimpses of her peeking through, it will be worth it matey. I love you more.
To our three amazing, wonderful children for all their support and love. For being there. For helping around the house. For the hugs and for being you! You guys are the best kids anyone could ever wish to have.. even if you swear more than a sailor.. looking at you Miss K xx I am so sorry that you have seen me like this again.. you deserve a mum that beats this horrible illness!!! I will get there soon! I will be the mum you deserve. I love you three more than chocolate..
To my new found besties Lucy, Lee and children.. I can not thank you guys enough for the encouragement, support, messages and for including me in your family. This has meant the world to me and I needed you to know that I do appreciate all you have done for me. Its not easy when I am so down but you guys have been there like my own little cheer-leading squad.I have loved spending time with you all and thank you! Love you guys.xxx
To another bestie, Anna, thank you so much for all the lovely messages of support and love. This has meant so much to me! Love you all Miss A xxx
To my other bestie Ellie, once again matey another fantastic lady who has given me so much support and advice. So many messages of love and support and guidance.. so gratefully received and needed. Thank you hunni. Love you Miss E xxx
To my mum and dad, thank you for your support once again. I will get there!!
And to all my Facebook family.. so many of you who have been there for me too.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH
Its time to talk about mental health! Lets break that stigma!!
I am more than my depression!
#depression #help #support #thankyou #grateful