Thank you guys!

Thank you! Two of the most important words to show your gratitude… but to me they do not fully show the depth of my thanks and gratitude to the people who recently have gone over and above to support me through a very, very severe bout of depression.One of the worst I have had for a long time..

Yes, the black dog visited again and this time he brought along the anxiety attacks, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of despair, the feeling of not been lovable, the feeling of not deserving of anything. The feeling of not been worthy. The feeling of…. well, I won’t write about that as I don’t want to upset my children.

To some people who do not know me well, I do not usually show outwardly how I am feeling inside. They may throw doubt around..” Julie is always smiling” “What on earth has she got to be depressed about” “Yeah right another excuse to stay in bed” blah blah blah.

But to those that truly know me and love me, can see the pain etched in my eyes, can see the spark distinguish and know that I am not “me”.

The people that love me know that this is part of me. That these moments are becoming less and less with the help of medication and know that I will get my spark back. It is a hormonal imbalance and they know that no matter what I say in a depressive state I love them. I care about them. I need them.

The last two weeks I have been off work and dealing daily with my mental health. This has included walking in a park and feeding the ducks. Spending quality time on myself, re-discovering me, listening to music, reading, doing things I love and at my own pace to find me again. To find the light at the end of the tunnel. To no longer walk in treacle. To once again be “free” of the black dog.

It has been quite a long time since the last visit. I do not know when the dog will be visiting but boy when he is here the episodes are getting harder and harder to deal with. You would have thought by now I could deal with them and click my fingers and I am back to “normal” but I am afraid it is not that easy. If it was.. surely there would be no need for therapy or drugs.

If I knew the trigger then I would know how to avoid it. Believe me I do not want to constantly go through life with this hanging over me.

Sometimes the episodes can be short term and others longer.

For this episode I have worked so hard on myself that I did not stay in bed all day. I did not cry all the time. I did not focus on the negatives. Maybe my CBT is coming back to help me.

I have found it difficult to converse with people outside of my support circle. I have struggled with walking and having panic attacks. But, with the support and coaching from some earth angels I am now at the stage where I think I will be OK to return to work.

This may not be the right step and I know a few people do not think I am ready for the onslaught of work again but I think I do need to try it. I might crumble as soon as I step through the door, but at least I will have tried.

This post wasn’t supposed to be all about me but to thank my support team. I really cannot thank them enough for their messages, their calls, their love and their support. As I said before thank you does not fully cover it. I wish I could show you how much this has meant to me.. but my recovery will have to be payment in full lol.

I want to say a HUGE thank you to the best husband ever. He has treated me to little presents, showered me with hugs and love and has always had my back. No matter how bad I get this guy is just amazing. I do not know how he puts up with some of the crap I throw at him but he sticks with me and we are so much stronger as a couple. Thank you Mark. I love you more than words can ever possibly say. I really want to be the Julie that you fell in love with all those many long years ago before the black dog ever appeared and I AM getting there. I can see glimpses of her peeking through, it will be worth it matey. I love you more.

To our three amazing, wonderful children for all their support and love. For being there. For helping around the house. For the hugs and for being you! You guys are the best kids anyone could ever wish to have.. even if you swear more than a sailor.. looking at you Miss K xx I am so sorry that you have seen me like this again.. you deserve a mum that beats this horrible illness!!!  I will get there soon! I will be the mum you deserve. I love you three more than chocolate..

To my new found besties Lucy, Lee and children.. I can not thank you guys enough for the encouragement, support, messages and for including me in your family. This has meant the world to me and I needed you to know that I do appreciate all you have done for me. Its not easy when I am so down but you guys have been there like my own little cheer-leading squad.I have loved spending time with you all and thank you! Love you

To another bestie, Anna, thank you so much for all the lovely messages of support and love. This has meant so much to me!  Love you all  Miss A xxx

To my other bestie Ellie, once again matey another fantastic lady who has given me so much support and advice. So many messages of love and support and guidance.. so gratefully received and needed. Thank you hunni. Love you Miss E xxx

To my mum and dad, thank you for your support once again. I will get there!!

And to all my Facebook family.. so many of you who have been there for me too.


Love ya!!!

Its time to talk about mental health! Lets break that stigma!!

I am more than my depression!


#depression #help #support #thankyou #grateful



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My Winnings To Date

A bottle of whisky from Alexander Residence

Adult pleasure pack

Carbon Monoxide detector from Yours Magazine

Tickets to see Bear in the Big Blue House

Mobile phone, micro scooter, tickets to see the Sheffield Steelers from Peak FM

Kids birthday party at Frankie and Bennys from Peak FM

Jayne Ann Krentz River Road book

Alive bag from Alive

Detox bottle from Holland and Barrett

RSPCA food assured book from Living North

Rush, The Imitation Game and Blue Valentine DVDs and Room poster, book and CD from the Olivers madhouse blog

Hair makeover with Nicky Clarke from Best Magazine

Revlon nail buffer from Revlon Beauty Team

Jimmy Choo perfume from The Perfume Shop


Energy Bar hamper (Clif) from My Family Ties blog

Chocolate Hamper (Divine)

raw food cookbook

3 x cake cookery books


3 months supply of anti aging cream from Mrs Bargain Hunter (eagerly awaiting)

Preserving kit from Ball from Mummy Tires blog

Just for Tummies hamper from Just For Tummies

Step by step dessert book from Supergolden bakes

mini nail kit with stickers from A Cornish Mum blog

3 fleece – from 3

£300 voucher for Bring Me The Horizon merchandise and signed limited edition print from ROCKSOUND magazine


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My top ten of things I would love to win

  1. A holiday to Canada
  2. Food!
  3. Gift vouchers
  4. Books
  5. DVDS
  6. CDs
  7. Pet food
  8. Candles
  9. Anything Pagan
  10. Clothes
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The Sunrise

Being on my new path has re-introduced me to the joy of seeing the sunrise. It is so glorious to see such a magnificent sight first thing in the morning.

The colours that you see are amazing. Nature in its full glory.

Besides seeing the colours you really can feel the energy. It is so peaceful first thing in the morning seeing the sunrise, hearing the birds chirping and having moments to just be silent.

We are so lucky to be able to experience nature.

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Keeping my words and thoughts in good order

Part of the Wiccan Rede is to keep your words and thoughts in good order. I am finding this very difficult especially when there are people that hate me calling me names etc.

I do not know how I should react to be honest. I am keeping quiet and luckily do not have to see this person. But it does wind me up that I am painted as this horrible person. Some of the words I have been called are downright disgusting!

Does anyone know how I can manage to keep my thoughts and words in good order? Is there a miracle cure I can take to make me ignore this persons negativity??

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My Wins

Okay I admit I am addicted to competitions and I end up spending a lot (OK too much time) entering them.

I am lucky to have won some fantastic things. To date I have won

Naturally Sassy cookbook

Jayne Ann Krentz: The River Road paperback

Tickets to see Bear in the big blue house

Tickets to see the Sheffield Steelers

Micro Scooter (gave to the kids PTFA for a raffle prize)

A birthday party for 10 children at Frankie and Bennys

A Swoon kit!!

A £500 hair makeover with Nicky Clarke (sadly not able to take)

A big bag of Ocean Spray cranberries

A big bag of Hills Cat Food

Eye correcting serum

A mobile phone (gave to the kids PTFA for a raffle prize)

A bottle of whisky

A 3 fleece

3 bars of Neidregger chocolate (shared with my volunteers)

A carbon monoxide detector

A £300 gift card for Bring Me The Horizon merchandise with limited edition signed print.

Here is to loads more!!!

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My morning

Every morning, even on my day off, I do the same things. Yes this is mighty boring but here goes.

  1. Get up
  2. Have a shower
  3. Get dressed
  4. Go downstairs and open curtains
  5. Feed the cats, cat food,water and crunchies
  6. Feed the fish fish flakes
  7. Put on the kettle
  8. Take out recycling and rubbish
  9. Make coffee/tea
  10. Take Mark a drink upstairs
  11. Wake up the son
  12. Get breakfast
  13. Make lunches for Mark, Jarod and myself
  14. Empty dishwasher
  15. Re-load dishwasher
  16. Empty tumble dryer
  17. Refill tumble dryer
  18. Once Mark is out of the shower, put on a load of washing and dishwashing
  19. Take clean washing upstairs
  20. Bring down dirty laundry
  21. Empty sitting room bin
  22. Pick up stuff off the floor
  23. General tidy
  24. And then I go off to work….Done a days worth of work before I go to work
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Natural Sacred Energies

In all of nature there is energy. This morning I have tapped into my inner energy by taking deep breaths and concentrating on different parts of the body. I closed my eyes and started taking deep breaths. I had no TV on or distracting things so I can concentrate fully on the feelings of energy through my body. I felt so alive and could definitely feel the energy coursing through my body.

All of the bodies energy is interconnecting.It feels amazing. How out bodies work is just marvellous.

All of nature also has this inner energy. Those glorious trees growing, the plants, the animals. We are all one.

We all share this energy. It is just fantastic.

I will be taking the time out daily to do this exercise. I really loved the feelings I felt.

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Today I spent some time reflecting on several questions posed.

Looking into a new path can be kind of scary. There are so many mixed emotions. Peoples attitudes towards Wicca/Paganism can also affect why it can be kind of scary. People automatically think that you worship satan. How wrong are they??

I am trying to be patient with people who have such a negative view but it is difficult.

I am also working through my days and learning more and more.

The more I learn the more I feel that this path is the right path for me.

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Day Three- Melting Beliefs

Today I have lit a 5 inch white taper candle. Etched into the side of the candle is the word “fear” which is one word that ran throughout day twos task.

Fear of-

Letting go

Changing religious beliefs

Other peoples fears of the unknown

doing a ritual wrong

perhaps my fear of the unknown

Looking into the flame of the candle I can feel my feeling of fear draining from my body and mind. I know that I will be aware of this feeling throughout the year and day of study.

It is odd how a 4 letter word can cause so many feelings and emotions. But now this fear is being melted away.

I found it very enlightening to take part in this small ritual. Yes, I worried that I would do something wrong but I can honestly say that it is helping remove the fear.

The ritual has brought feelings of contentment in me. Removing this fear.

I believe that I have let go of the fear of the unknown, of doing things wrong and finding my right path.

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